Being a mother is beautiful. But it’s also hard. If you ask any mum who is honest, they will tell you so. In fact, it can be so hard that it can lead to burnout. Sometimes it feels like this is a well-kept secret among mum friends, and not something that we feel safe enough to openly talk about in society. As a result, it almost feels like we aren’t allowed to feel the way we do, and even more so to ask for help. More often than not, it’s not something we even admit to ourselves until it’s too late. If you are one month, one year, one decade after the postpartum period and still not OK, this blog post was written for you. If you prefer to watch a video version of it, please click below to watch it on youtube.

What many people don’t realise

The narrative is that we should be grateful to have been given the gift of life. In addition, we chose to get on this ride called parenthood (at least most of the time). So why are we complaining?

Because we can be both.

We can be grateful and happy, while being exhausted, fed up, and stretched to the max.  One does not negate the other and contradicting emotions are normal.

When support fades away

Another issue is that parents seem to get a lot of support in the first few months after birth, especially when it’s their first child. Understandably so. After all, they have never been in this extremely overwhelming situation before.

An array of people is ready to offer help: postpartum doulas, midwives, mummy-and-me groups, playgroups, regular doctor visits. Everyone checks on the baby, but they also check on the new parent, asking them how they are coping. As a child grows, the support to the parent is taken away, as if it’s not needed anymore.

“I should have it all figured out by now”, is the message we take from this.

The different stages of parenthood

As a child grows, a parent continuously has to navigate new situations over and over again. In fact, one might say that parenting becomes more and more complex as the kids get older.

Once you’re a parent, you are never not a parent.

Here is an outline of the potential challenges that come with each phase, from the parents perspective:

1. The newborn phase. No sleep, constantly feeding baby, big learning curve, different family dynamic, social life takes a hit, responsibility, worrying about every sickness.
2. The toddler phase. Still not sleeping great, tantrums, sicknesses, physical exhaustion because a toddler runs around all the time, providing food constantly.
3. The young kid phase. (If you’re lucky they sleep through the night), ongoing emotional outbursts, challenging behaviors, the pace picks up with after-school activities, having to figure out what food to offer so that they actually eat it.
4. The older kid phase. Challenging behaviors and wanting to become more autonomous, endless screen time arguments, becoming even more creative as to what food to offer them so that they eat it.
5. The teenage years. They sleep too well, but they don’t want much to do with you any longer. Worrying about what they are doing when they are out, first dates and boyfriends/girlfriends, school grades.
6. The adult years. They aren’t at home anymore. Parents feel lost in this new family dynamic. Need to rediscover who they are as a couple, even rediscover themselves.

You might argue that things are objectively harder in the stages 1-3, but that’s not necessarily true. One might find the challenging years of teenage-hood more difficult to navigate because they don’t feel like they have the skills to cope with those issues. And there are enough books and podcasts about the ’empty nest’ syndrome for me to know that that phase is also a big problem for many.

The right for support post postpartum

There is a lot of information out there about 1) the wellbeing of the child and 2) how to parent. We are missing the third corner, to form an important triangle in each family: 3) the wellbeing of the parent himself/herself. The child comes first, of course. We brought them in this world and we need to keep them alive and happy. Guidance on how to parent will help us navigate the different issues coming up.

Often the child is fine, and we might even have found the perfect parenting strategy. But even when these two things are sorted, we might still not be doing so well.

It’s not just about the child and the parenting. It’s also about you. Parents should feel free to ask for support post the postpartum period.

Give yourself permission

This becomes especially relevant for expats (like myself), or for people who, for some reason, don’t have their parents around anymore (again, like me).

Leave the superheros for your children’s stories and keep them out of the expectations that you have of yourself, or any other parent you see.

You are allowed to say that you’re not OK even after the first year has passed. That you don’t have it all figured out. If you feel ready to reach out for help, book a call with me here.