I often start my blog posts with the statement that being a parent is amazing and really hard at the same time. Most of us find a way to cope, more or less. Sometimes we react in ways we don’t like. Sometimes we feel like our cup is already empty, and we’re trying to find some drops so that we manage to pour *something*.

One thing is for sure: When we become parents, we carry our pre-parenting experiences within us, negative and positive. A big example of that is our relationship to our own parents, including the way we were raised.

For example, many of us want to parent differently than how we were parented, and get triggered when our own parents are present around our children, or when they make any kind of comment on the way we raise them. We feel judged and frustrated. There are times when we catch ourselves behaving exactly how our parents did, even though we had promised ourselves we would never do things or speak like they did. It can feel like a constant struggle to let go of the past.

For parents who are parenting, having lost their mum or dad, and who are still carrying the pain of that loss, things become even more complicated. This can be true whether the loss happened recently or years or even decades ago. 

I know the huge impact losing my mum at a young age had on me. I also know that in order to parent better, and to cope with the challenges of parenthood, I needed to let go of the immense pain linked to that loss. 

This applies not just to death, but to other losses such as a difficult/strained relationship many have with their parents, or any of the 40 or so losses that one can experience in their lifetime.

The repercussions of unresolved grief on parents mental health

First, let’s look at some ways unsolved grief can manifest itself. Please note that the following are just some ways in which some people might be feeling or reacting. If some of these apply to you, great. If none do, that’s also ok. Grief is individual. Your relationship to your parent is unique and so is your grief.

If the loss is very recent, the very natural feelings of extreme sadness or emptiness might be present on a constant basis, or most of the time.

However, for many parents, unresolved grief might show up in less obvious ways such as anxiety, or hyper vigilance regarding their children’s well-being. They might always think of the worst-case scenario for everything, because they are afraid of loss. This makes the many challenges of parenthood (sicknesses, accidents, etc) very difficult to navigate.

Suppressed grief may also show up as mood swings, anger, or being overly reactive with their children or partner. Or, on the contrary, they could become over-attached or emotionally enmeshed with their children.

The body also keeps the score

Not dealing with my mum’s death caused me to suffer from chronic stress, which in itself caused major hormonal issues. Many of us suffer from health issues that could, in part, be caused or worsened by unresolved grief.

This can range from things like headaches, GI issues, fatigue or chronic pain. If you’re suffering from a chronic disease such as an autoimmune disease, unresolved grief might exacerbate your symptoms.

You might find yourself unable to sleep well, or feel like you cannot concentrate well or regulate your moods. You might get sick all the time. Ultimately, chronic stress from unresolved grief can elevate cortisol levels, which in turn could affect your insulin sensitivity, and contribute over time to heart disease, diabetes or immune disfunction.

During times of changes in hormonal balance, such as the postpartum months, but also perimenopause, unresolved grief can make hormonal mood swings and other symptoms much worse.

Many struggle with emotional eating or other types of substance abuse, as they need to use these short-term energy-releasing activities to suppress their emotions. I don’t know how many mums I have met who say they rely on sugar and coffee to get through the day.

Finally, parents might unconsciously place emotional expectations on their children to fill the emotional void left by a loss. In addition, they might not be able to be truly emotionally present with their children, because they are parenting from a place of pain.

This becomes obvious every time the child hits a milestone such as a birthday, their first day of school, gradutation – those milestones never really stop, no matter how old our children are.

How recovering from grief can help a parent

I am a Grief Recovery Method (GRM) specialist and am convinced of its benefits because I have gone through it myself. It offers a structured, evidence-informed process for addressing unresolved grief—particularly the kind that lingers and affects day-to-day functioning, relationships, and well-being. For a parent grieving the loss of their own parent or any other loss, GRM can be uniquely helpful in ways that go beyond typical talk therapy:

1. It can free up emotional energy for their children

Unresolved grief consumes mental and emotional bandwidth, often leaving a parent feeling numb, distracted, or emotionally unavailable. By releasing this emotional burden, they become more present and emotionally attuned with their own kids.

2. It can help break intergenerational patterns

If the parent had a difficult or emotionally distant relationship with their own parent, GRM helps them avoid unintentionally repeating those patterns. It provides a chance to consciously choose a healthier parenting path, free from inherited emotional baggage.

3. It addresses Guilt, Regret, or “Should Haves”

Parents often carry guilt (“I should’ve said/done more”) that can affect self-worth and parenting. GRM gives a safe space and structured method to express and release those regrets.

4. It teaches healthy emotional expression

Learning to identify and express emotions healthily helps grieving parents model emotional intelligence for their kids.

Don’t let that backpack full or rocks that represent your losses become so heavy that you can’t carry it any longer. It is possible to heal emotionally, break unhealthy cycles, and show up more fully for yourself and your children. Contact me now to find out how.