A few years back, a friend told me that I was a control freak. I was offended and did not want to believe they were right.

Nobody likes labels, especially when they carry a negative connotation. “Are you sure you aren’t calling me that because you are jealous of my planning skills? Don’t you realise I need to be like that to get anything done in life?”, I thought.

This tendency has always been very much a part of my personality. I would find it terrible when things didn’t go as planned. I was impatient with everyone who didn’t do things the way I wanted them to. I would get frustrated with my own body whenever it didn’t respond positively to all the things I was trying to do for my health. I would even get frustrated at the weather whenever it was raining.

I didn’t think much of it back then. I defended this way of being and felt safe in it. Until I became a parent and any sense of control flew out the window. Then, the reality of what it cost me hit me in the face.

Here is the video version of this blog post:

My experience as a parent: the plans that didn’t pan out

Fast forward to the first months and years after my first was born.

Before delivery, I had set my mind up for what I thought would be a successful transition into parenthood and one that would offer the best for my child. Everything was planned. But -surprise, surprise- not everything went according to plan.

It wasn’t planned that my daughter would be born with a small birth defect that had to be corrected via surgery when she was just 6 weeks old.

Having issues with breastfeeding also came as a complete shock.  When we continued to struggle week after week to do something that I had thought would be easy, I became frustrated and stressed, like a failure. It took me a very long time to ‘swallow’ that this too, hadn’t gone as planned.

When the 4th month sleep regression hit and she started waking up multiple times a night, I spent hours researching how to help her sleep better, but couldn’t find a solution. I couldn’t accept that there was nothing I could do to fix it and that it was a matter of time.

A few months later, she started eating solids. I would prepare all these wonderful, nutritious meals that she wouldn’t even touch. I was not happy she wasn’t eating like I had wanted her to.

Then she went to nursery and kept getting sick. I thought I knew everything there was to know about how to support the immune system. It still didn’t work.

The little controller voice within me kept telling me how terrible a parent I was for not figure it out better, as if all the things described above were not normal. And the anxiety and frustration only kept increasing.

The lesson I had to learn

Parenthood teaches us many lessons. This one is particularly tough for people like me:

Life is unpredictable and impossible to control.

Why people have controlling tendencies

There are many reasons why people develop the need to control everything. In my case, this also had to do with the fact that I had to grow up really fast when my mum passed away suddenly when I was ten years old. Just like being a pleaser originally stems from the strengths of kindness and love, wanting to control isn’t inherently bad.

There is nothing wrong with being confident, action-oriented, decisive, disciplined and persistent. These are all great attributes! But when these go out of control, pun intended, we become inflexible. We hate change. We become confrontational and direct, sometimes even intimidating.

And, if we are parents…well…that’s another guaranteed recipe for unhappiness and constant stress. Because there is no calendar for when kids will get sick, how they will sleep or what kind of mood they will be in.

What to do about it

When I realised the impact my controlling tendencies had on me, I knew the cost was too much to bear. My kids and my relationships were suffering because of it. And most of all, I was suffering!

The good news? Just as I am a recovering people pleaser, I’m also a recovering control freak. You can also rewire your brain so that you are able to recognise the controller, let go, and cross correct to another way of being. It isn’t easy, but remember, nothing worth doing every is. And you certainly can’t do this alone. Let me be that person for you. Book a call with me to find out how.

Photo by Kindel Media: https://www.pexels.com/photo/close-up-shot-of-an-arrested-person-with-handcuffs-7773267/