Are you someone who people describe as a ‘nice’ person? Do you enjoy helping others, and have a deep sense of empathy? Does setting boundaries feel icky? And do you have trouble saying no?

In other words, are you what we call a ‘people pleaser’? Me too! It’s a tendency I became aware of a long time ago, when I first started my journey of introspection and understanding who I am.

Being empathetic, loving and giving (and a highly sensitive person-HSP), is simply my natural way of being in the world. And it’s a wonderful thing. Until it becomes too much.

The difference between using and abusing a strength

At the core of every people pleaser are the wonderful strengths of love and kindness. Noone would argue that we need as much of these strengths as we can in this world. But just like any strength, these too can be abused. When we constantly help, please or rescue others, losing sight of our own needs because other people’s needs are always more important, a sense of resentment slowly builds up.

We feel stressed. Like we are being pulled in all sorts of directions. A deep sense of unfairness creeps in:

“Why does nobody see that I’m not OK? Why is nobody helping me? Why do I have to do it all?”

Why people become ‘people pleasers’

There are many reasons why we develop this tendency. At the very bottom of it, there is always fear. We are afraid that others won’t like us, and being nice is how we seek validation and a sense of worth. We fear rejection and feel like we must have everyone’s approval. We hate conflict and feel genuinely uncomfortable with tensions. In fact, we hope to live life in complete harmony.

On top of that, sometimes we are afraid of facing our own needs, as dealing with everyone else is a nice distraction. If you’re an HSP like me, you might also be highly empathetic, so you feel compelled to help others and make them happy, even if it’s at your own expense.

The issue with being a parent who is a people pleaser

Being a people pleaser can be even more challenging for parents because parenting is already inherently self-sacrificing.

To be clear: you can’t tell a newborn that your needs are more important than their needs – they need you to always put their needs first in order to help them stay alive! But when your needs are the last ones on the list for years and never actually get addressed, (because there are only 24h in a day) you become at best resentful and at worst, you go into burnout. In fact, I believe that people pleasing is the most common reason why mums experience debilitating amounts of stress.

We might feel guilty when we assert our own needs because we feel obliged to prioritize our children. Let’s also not forget that we are very much conditioned to act this way. Culturally, mums in particular are socialized to prioritize others’ needs. We probably also have witnessed the ‘sacrificing mum model’ growing up in our own home, so we tend to replicate it.

Can a people pleaser ever change?

The short answer is yes. The long answer is more nuanced.

The core of who you are will not change (nor should it!), and you will probably always have a tendency towards people pleasing. However, as a recovering people pleaser, I can tell you that you can absolutely learn to harness the strengths of love and kindness while letting go of the tendency to abuse them.

You can learn to set boundaries, communicate openly without being afraid of conflict, and become more compassionate towards yourself. Breaking free from the model you saw while growing up is doable.

It’s not easy, but nothing worth doing ever is. And I can help you get there. Book a call with me to find out how.